When People Leave
Introduction
Spend much time in the church, and you will inevitably say goodbye to others at some point. People leave. Sometimes, these people are very close friends. Other times, we hardly knew them and the news of their departure doesn't reach us for weeks. When someone or a household leaves a local church, answering the "who" question is not difficult. It's the "why" question that often goes unanswered or undefined. Why did they leave? Rumors may abound. Speculation grows. Sometimes the truth is mixed in.
For those us us left behind, we often don't know how to think about those who depart. The intent of this post is to help us think clearly about the folks who decide to say goodbye to the church and to answer the question of how we ought to move on once they're gone. As we'll see, people leave for a variety of reasons, and the reasons do make a difference. None of them however, change the mission of the church.
For those us us left behind, we often don't know how to think about those who depart. The intent of this post is to help us think clearly about the folks who decide to say goodbye to the church and to answer the question of how we ought to move on once they're gone. As we'll see, people leave for a variety of reasons, and the reasons do make a difference. None of them however, change the mission of the church.
Good Reasons
For the sake of simplicity (and more importantly, truth), I've divided these reasons into two categories: Good Reasons and Bad Reasons. Let's start with the good reasons.
Moving Away
An individual or household may make the difficult decision to relocate based on family issues, health concerns, or a providential opportunity from God. After much prayer, consideration, and hopefully meaningful discussions with the elders and other trusted members, moving away just may be in the best interest of a household. While this is always sad, these are the sorts of folks we can send away with a smile and say, "Come see us again sometime."
Significant Doctrinal Change
Hopefully, no Christian has the same depth of theological understanding at age 80 than they did at age 20. As we grow, we learn, and as we learn, we grow. Normally, the insights we gain from the Scriptures lead us into greater depth with our God and his people, and everybody wins. Sometimes, though, shifts in doctrine can be a good reason to leave one body and find another body to join. To be clear, there is a spectrum here, and not every doctrinal change provides good grounds for leaving a church.
For example, well-meaning and biblically-thoughtful Christians are able to discuss and disagree on the different ways of approaching the Fourth Commandment and how it ought to be obeyed today. An issue like this is much less significant than, say, a Lutheran coming to a change in convictions and becoming a Baptist. That's a much larger gap to bridge. For that Christian, it may be wise to find a fellowship where he can join and worship with a clear conscience and without the worry of misrepresenting that body. Then again, he may stay, if he can do so in good conscience. These sorts of issues should be handled with care, time, and good counsel. Ultimately, if someone leaves over a significant doctrinal divide, we can wish them well and thank God for our time with them. No hard feelings.
Sent by Church
Sometimes, God is gracious to a church in such a way that leaders are multiplied to the point that they can and should be sent with the blessing of their local body for another meaningful gospel work. This may take the form of a church plant 20 miles down the road, or a missionary endeavor 2,500 miles across an ocean. These are good departures.
Moving Away
An individual or household may make the difficult decision to relocate based on family issues, health concerns, or a providential opportunity from God. After much prayer, consideration, and hopefully meaningful discussions with the elders and other trusted members, moving away just may be in the best interest of a household. While this is always sad, these are the sorts of folks we can send away with a smile and say, "Come see us again sometime."
Significant Doctrinal Change
Hopefully, no Christian has the same depth of theological understanding at age 80 than they did at age 20. As we grow, we learn, and as we learn, we grow. Normally, the insights we gain from the Scriptures lead us into greater depth with our God and his people, and everybody wins. Sometimes, though, shifts in doctrine can be a good reason to leave one body and find another body to join. To be clear, there is a spectrum here, and not every doctrinal change provides good grounds for leaving a church.
For example, well-meaning and biblically-thoughtful Christians are able to discuss and disagree on the different ways of approaching the Fourth Commandment and how it ought to be obeyed today. An issue like this is much less significant than, say, a Lutheran coming to a change in convictions and becoming a Baptist. That's a much larger gap to bridge. For that Christian, it may be wise to find a fellowship where he can join and worship with a clear conscience and without the worry of misrepresenting that body. Then again, he may stay, if he can do so in good conscience. These sorts of issues should be handled with care, time, and good counsel. Ultimately, if someone leaves over a significant doctrinal divide, we can wish them well and thank God for our time with them. No hard feelings.
Sent by Church
Sometimes, God is gracious to a church in such a way that leaders are multiplied to the point that they can and should be sent with the blessing of their local body for another meaningful gospel work. This may take the form of a church plant 20 miles down the road, or a missionary endeavor 2,500 miles across an ocean. These are good departures.
Bad Reasons
Unfortunately, bad reasons for leaving seem to be just as, if not more prolific than good reasons. This short list is not exhaustive, but is hopefully helpful.
Unregenerate
Sometimes, plain and simple, people are found out to be those still dead in their sins and living in enmity against God Almighty. They may have been convinced for years that they were a Christian, only to hear the biblical gospel and come to realize that they are far from God. Others may knowingly be hiding amongst the ranks of God's people, seeking their own gain for a variety of reasons. Regardless, the preached Word will bear fruit, and often that fruit is exposing the hearts of people who do not know God.
Ideally, when this happens, the unregenerate person will see their sin as heinous and Christ as glorious, turning to him in true faith and repentance and joining the family of God. We pray for this reaction!
Other times, when confronted with the exposure of their sin, some people take off. They give up the act entirely and realize they aren't fooling anyone anymore. They enjoyed hanging around the church for a season, but they were never truly part of it because of their unrepentance. Rather than submit to the Savior, they go find a new social club.
This is not a good departure.
Pressure from Spouse
Have you ever seen a couple in a church in which one spouse is "all in," while the other hangs out on the fringes and never lets anyone get close relationally? Don't be surprised when that couple disappears entirely. When you eventually call them up or run into the them at the grocery store, the more amiable of the two will do all the talking and explain how "It just wasn't working" or how they needed a church that could "better meet their needs." Look closely, though. You'll see no joy in their eyes. What they are really saying is, "My spouse wanted to leave and I've found it's easier to get on board than to argue."
The distant spouse doesn't want accountability or meaningful relationship. If anybody dares get too close, they duck down the alley. The other spouse, the one who was just starting to grow and benefit from the body, sighs, shrugs, and follows. This is a common version of being unequally yoked. This is not a good departure.
Ignorance
This example is best described by a short, fictional dialogue. Observe:
A: "Hey, did you know that the pastor believes (some doctrine with which the subject is unfamiliar)?"
B: "No, I didn't know that. What does that mean?"
A: "It's bad. Trust me. I Googled it."
B: "No kidding! What did you learn?"
A: "An expert on Youtube explained how dangerous this teaching was. You should watch it. The video is only 90 seconds long and very thorough."
B: "I will watch it. Send me the link. Do you think we should leave the church over this?"
A: "Probably. We can't have a pastor who teaches heresy."
B: "Should we talk to the elders first?"
A: "I don't think so. We have all we need to know."
End scene. This is not a good departure.
Arrogance
If ignorance is leaving because the party doesn't know enough to make good decisions, arrogance is leaving because the party thinks they know more than they do. They have a lofty view of self.
The arrogant person comes to the conclusion that her or she (or a couple) know far better than the elders pertaining to how a church should operate, what should be taught, who should be in which positions of responsibility, what songs the church should sing, and the like. Normally these people are constantly looking for a position of influence and authority. When the elders make it clear that they already have the whole "shepherding the flock thing" under reasonable control, these people get antsy. If they can't gather a small following here, they may as well move onto the next unsuspecting church.
The arrogant departee is normally (not always) a serial offender. Just watch. They will quickly make their rounds through the county, attending every church until they hit a wall of some kind at each one. They'll find a reason for departing that makes the elders sound awfully bad, and they'll leave. No one does it right in their eyes, you see. If only all these churches would get their acts together, they might find a body to settle into for the long haul. This is not a good departure.
Unregenerate
Sometimes, plain and simple, people are found out to be those still dead in their sins and living in enmity against God Almighty. They may have been convinced for years that they were a Christian, only to hear the biblical gospel and come to realize that they are far from God. Others may knowingly be hiding amongst the ranks of God's people, seeking their own gain for a variety of reasons. Regardless, the preached Word will bear fruit, and often that fruit is exposing the hearts of people who do not know God.
Ideally, when this happens, the unregenerate person will see their sin as heinous and Christ as glorious, turning to him in true faith and repentance and joining the family of God. We pray for this reaction!
Other times, when confronted with the exposure of their sin, some people take off. They give up the act entirely and realize they aren't fooling anyone anymore. They enjoyed hanging around the church for a season, but they were never truly part of it because of their unrepentance. Rather than submit to the Savior, they go find a new social club.
This is not a good departure.
Pressure from Spouse
Have you ever seen a couple in a church in which one spouse is "all in," while the other hangs out on the fringes and never lets anyone get close relationally? Don't be surprised when that couple disappears entirely. When you eventually call them up or run into the them at the grocery store, the more amiable of the two will do all the talking and explain how "It just wasn't working" or how they needed a church that could "better meet their needs." Look closely, though. You'll see no joy in their eyes. What they are really saying is, "My spouse wanted to leave and I've found it's easier to get on board than to argue."
The distant spouse doesn't want accountability or meaningful relationship. If anybody dares get too close, they duck down the alley. The other spouse, the one who was just starting to grow and benefit from the body, sighs, shrugs, and follows. This is a common version of being unequally yoked. This is not a good departure.
Ignorance
This example is best described by a short, fictional dialogue. Observe:
A: "Hey, did you know that the pastor believes (some doctrine with which the subject is unfamiliar)?"
B: "No, I didn't know that. What does that mean?"
A: "It's bad. Trust me. I Googled it."
B: "No kidding! What did you learn?"
A: "An expert on Youtube explained how dangerous this teaching was. You should watch it. The video is only 90 seconds long and very thorough."
B: "I will watch it. Send me the link. Do you think we should leave the church over this?"
A: "Probably. We can't have a pastor who teaches heresy."
B: "Should we talk to the elders first?"
A: "I don't think so. We have all we need to know."
End scene. This is not a good departure.
Arrogance
If ignorance is leaving because the party doesn't know enough to make good decisions, arrogance is leaving because the party thinks they know more than they do. They have a lofty view of self.
The arrogant person comes to the conclusion that her or she (or a couple) know far better than the elders pertaining to how a church should operate, what should be taught, who should be in which positions of responsibility, what songs the church should sing, and the like. Normally these people are constantly looking for a position of influence and authority. When the elders make it clear that they already have the whole "shepherding the flock thing" under reasonable control, these people get antsy. If they can't gather a small following here, they may as well move onto the next unsuspecting church.
The arrogant departee is normally (not always) a serial offender. Just watch. They will quickly make their rounds through the county, attending every church until they hit a wall of some kind at each one. They'll find a reason for departing that makes the elders sound awfully bad, and they'll leave. No one does it right in their eyes, you see. If only all these churches would get their acts together, they might find a body to settle into for the long haul. This is not a good departure.
Focus on Mission
What's to be done by those who remain when part of the body separates itself?
First, the remaining Christians should be reminded of their mission. Christ has commissioned his Bride, the church, to see disciples made and matured and to be his representative presence on earth. The mission is too vital and life too short to waste time sulking, begging the departed to come back, or stewing over "what if" questions. You can miss them, you can pray for them, and you can stop and say "hi" to them in line for an oil change. However, just know that the energy (mental or otherwise) that you give to them is energy you could be giving to your church body; the saints who have stayed and who need you. I heard a pastor say it like this one time: worry about the seat with someone in it more than you worry about the empty seat.
First, the remaining Christians should be reminded of their mission. Christ has commissioned his Bride, the church, to see disciples made and matured and to be his representative presence on earth. The mission is too vital and life too short to waste time sulking, begging the departed to come back, or stewing over "what if" questions. You can miss them, you can pray for them, and you can stop and say "hi" to them in line for an oil change. However, just know that the energy (mental or otherwise) that you give to them is energy you could be giving to your church body; the saints who have stayed and who need you. I heard a pastor say it like this one time: worry about the seat with someone in it more than you worry about the empty seat.
Rest in God's Sovereignty
Next, adapting to the departure of a person, friend, or household in the church ultimately comes down to an exercise in trust. Just because someone leaves, that does not mean God has dropped the ball. It does not mean the church is doomed, and it is not a sign or portent of more bad things to come. Do we trust the Lord when the church body shrinks and people leave for any reason, whether good or bad? Let the dust settle. Pick yourself up. Look around, and link arms with the folks who are still present, trusting God with what's in store.
Look for Eternity
Lastly, the Christian who is processing the departure of church folks needs to be reminded that eternity really will arrive one day. Heaven and earth will become the same place, God will dwell among his people, and pain and tears will only exist in distant memory. This is important because, as you likely know, many departures from church come from or produce a fair amount of heartache. Accusations are leveled. Claims are made. Criticisms abound. Leadership is challenged. Integrity comes into question.
To be sure, clarity should always be sought when and where it can, but be prepared; there will be departures that leave us scratching our heads without all the answers we seek. Take comfort in this - eternity is coming.
The day will come when all God's people will dwell together in true love and harmony. No more rumors. No hurt feelings. No departures. Won't that be nice? By the grace of God, we can labor on today, working through hard departures. Our hope rests in our Savior, not in anyone else. Isn't it great that he never leaves or forsakes us?
To be sure, clarity should always be sought when and where it can, but be prepared; there will be departures that leave us scratching our heads without all the answers we seek. Take comfort in this - eternity is coming.
The day will come when all God's people will dwell together in true love and harmony. No more rumors. No hurt feelings. No departures. Won't that be nice? By the grace of God, we can labor on today, working through hard departures. Our hope rests in our Savior, not in anyone else. Isn't it great that he never leaves or forsakes us?
Conclusion
May difficult departures be few are far between, and may our people only leave for good reasons. May we also be prepared to continue to deal with sin and its affects. Let's think rightly about each situation as it comes. Let's focus on what God has laid right in front of us. Let's labor right now for the eternal glory that awaits the Bride.
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